TRAINING

Purpose

The purpose of this method is to provide a skills-based, “no blame, no shame” online educational program for parents in divorce or separation who could benefit from learning new communication, emotion management, and problem-solving skills.

The primary goal is to teach parents the skills necessary to effectively resolve co-parenting disagreements while remaining calm and protecting their children from the conflict. The course may be voluntary, recommended, or mandated by courts or other professionals.

Goals

1: To immunize families against becoming high-conflict families during this time of transition, by teaching parents to avoid the four most common characteristics that keep families in conflict:

• All-or-nothing thinking
• Unmanaged emotions
• Extreme behaviors
• Blaming

2: To help parents teach their children skills for resilience during this time of huge and rapid change in the foundation of their family life. These skills serve children for a lifetime.

3: To strengthen both parents’ abilities to resolve their co-parenting conflicts and make parenting decisions together, while relying less on the courts and other professionals to make decisions for them.

4: To assist professionals in assessing each parent’s willingness and ability to engage in learning and applying new skills for the benefit of their children.

5: To give parents a chance to change their behavior, prior to the court making long-term orders.

6: To encourage mediation or another alternative dispute resolution process to make co-parenting decisions.

Future vs Past
Empowerment vs. Guilt/Shame

New Ways for Families focuses on positive future behavior:

• how to effectively co-parent
• how to teach their child skills for resilience for future success
• how to use appropriate problem-solving skills for future situations – rather than focusing on past bad behavior that only tends to increase the parent’s defensiveness.

Rather than taking a shaming or guilt-based approach, this curriculum focuses on future behavior for successful, long-term co-parenting – thereby empowering parents to manage their own emotions, maintain their composure when communicating with the other parent, and take responsibility for the behaviors they exhibit in front of their children.

The course focuses on the outcome for the child by helping parents create a co-parenting environment that is healthy for the child and teaches skills for resilience.

Research Basis

This research-informed program is based on the following therapeutic interventions and theories:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): The key elements of DBT are teaching small skills in small steps with a lot of validation of the person along the way.
The inability to regulate one’s emotions—emotion dysregulation—contributes to ongoing conflict and blaming behaviors in times of crisis. Learning to
manage one’s own emotions is a focus of DBT. New Ways is based on similar concepts: teaching small skills in small steps, working on emotion regulation before learning communication skills, and approaching the parent as a partner in change.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT): Requiring written exercises helps reinforce the four basic lessons of flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behaviors and checking yourself. The course is designed to get parents thinking about their own behavior in a non-defensive way which facilitates maximum learning.

Cognitive methods emphasize thinking and changing one’s thinking. Written exercises are a key method in cognitive therapies. A great benefit of
cognitive methods is that clients can learn to use the skills throughout their lifetime, applying the techniques to each difficult situation s/he encounters.
Behavioral methods emphasize trying new ways of doing things.

Between sessions, clients are encouraged to try new behaviors that fit with the
lessons of each session. They are also required to apply the behaviors in future sessions.

In some ways it may appear that the exercises are too easy and too general; however, when working with difficult people who tend toward conflict, small steps with a lot of validation are what is really needed to be effective. Large, dramatic changes are unlikely and counterproductive to attempt for many of these clients. 

Research indicates that many people who lack emotional management, problem-solving and general coping skills can change with:

1. a structured learning environment,
2. small skills taught in small steps,
3. focus on future behavior,
4. validation and support.

Two Models

The New Ways for Families is available in two formats, with each having a focus on teaching parents individually to learn 4 Big Skills:

1. Flexible thinking
2. Managed emotions
3. Moderate behaviors
4. Checking themselves

Counseling Model: after receiving the New Ways for Families Counselor Training, counselors and therapists can use the New Ways for Families Parent Workbook.

Coaching Model: after receiving the New Ways for Families Coaches Training for the Online Class, coaches can use the New Ways for Families Online Class for Parents with divorcing or separating parents and in co-parenting.