Responding to the “Bully’s Story” in Families, at Work, in Court, or Anywhere

Responding to the “Bully’s Story” in Families, at Work, in Court, or Anywhere

© 2025 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

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One of the main differences between child bullies and adult bullies is that adult bullies are more hidden and manipulative in their efforts to gain power over another person, their “target,” often for a long time. In my book Our New World of Adult Bullies, I explain how bullies create a story that has three parts: 1) There is a terrible “crisis;” 2) There is an evil or crazy “villain;” and 3) There is a “hero” (the bully). The story is usually a fantasy made up by the bully. It’s false or a gross exaggeration, but it sounds true and through repetition can be believed. It can demoralize and even immobilize the target and may mobilize others into joining the bully in picking on their target. This article explains this pattern of behavior so that people and professionals can watch out for it and avoid getting emotionally hooked by bullies’ stories. This also provides a few tips on how to respond effectively when decision-makers are involved.

A Family Example

A family example of the power of the bully’s story is discussed in my Adult Bullies book, that of a British singer, producer, and actress, FKA twigs. She ended up in an abusive relationship in Los Angeles with another actor who repeatedly told her that her creative team in England was working against her interests—that she was being “used” (the fantasy “crisis”). Her new boyfriend convinced her to doubt her colleagues and friends there (the fantasy “villains”). At first, she says, he showed “over-the-top displays of affection” for her (the fantasy “hero”). Even though her professional life was in England where she had a home, money, and a strong network of support, he persuaded her with his bully’s story and she stayed with him in Los Angeles as she slowly succumbed to his bullying.

He squeezed and grabbed Twigs to the point of bruises, but she didn’t go to the police because of a “misguided concern” that it would harm his career. She also thought that her description would be discounted. She felt helpless. In addition, he didn’t want her tonspeak to or look at other men, including male waiters. Instead, she would have to “keep her eyes down when men spoke to her.” In addition, he had rules about how often she had to kiss him and touch him. He constantly harangued her and criticized her. At one point he dragged her out of the car and also tried to strangle her. He increasingly isolated her, making her dependent on him alone.

Twigs ended up staying with him for about a year, but finally, with the help of a therapist, she got out of the relationship. She decided to go public and explain the dynamics of such an abusive relationship and how someone, even as successful as she was, could fall victim to such manipulative tactics. “He brought me so low, below myself, that the idea of leaving him and having to work myself back up just seemed impossible,” she said. She has a lawsuit pending against him (Shia LaBeouf) with a trial expected in late 2025.

The people around her didn’t understand why she was withdrawing. Her manager saw that something was happening to bring an extreme change in her personality, but didn’t know what. Hopefully, this explanation of her situation will help others realize the power and dynamics of a bully’s story and how to overcome it. Learn to recognize the three parts of a bully’s story and point it out to yourself and others.

A Workplace Example

Wendy Swan worked in a book cooperative in Australia (another example discussed in the Adult Bullies book). She worked in an area where she was mostly alone with one other worker, her supervisor. He tried to convince her that there was something wrong in how she worked (the fantasy “crisis”) and that there was something wrong with her (the fantasy “villain” – she was a “crazy” person). He, of course, knew what she needed to do (the fantasy “hero”). He often directed her regarding how to answer the phone, he excessively scrutinized her work and whereabouts and belittled her in front of others.

He subjected her to sarcasm, hostility and rudeness. He threw a book at her head. He used foul and offensive language. He threatened to fire her, although he had no authority to do so. He rudely interrupted her conversations with others. One day he told her to “get out . . . and go and find another job, and just go away.” In terms of the overall atmosphere between the two, the justice writing the opinion that awarded her damages noted that “Mr. Cowell knew that the plaintiff felt intimidated and uncomfortable in his presence, but he didn’t care. . . . Mr. Cowell had a particular attitude, flowing from his personality.”

Swan won almost $600,000 AUD for the psychological injuries resulting from how seriously she was bullied. However, Australia has anti-bullying laws which the United States mostly does not. But it is not hard to see how a bully can wear someone down at work and may use the bully’s story to start the abuse and convince the person there is something wrong with him or her. Once again, she finally got free of the bullying, as did FKA twigs. But the psychological damage usually lives on.

Legal Bullying: Lessons from Court Cases

More and more people appear to be experiencing the bully’s story these days in the form of false allegations brought by people who are bullies and have high conflict personality patterns (preoccupied with blaming others, lots of all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors). Some of these false allegations turn into legal cases and trials at court. And they surprisingly succeed in many cases, at least for a while. After 30 years of dealing with many such cases as a lawyer and as a high conflict case consultant, I have learned several lessons from people’s mistakes and successes.

The following tips can help whether you are involved in a court case, family conflict or workplace dispute:

1. Understand how our lower minds work. Our lower minds are where our primitive and most intense emotions operate, including pure fear and rage, usually outside of our conscious awareness. We share these primitive emotional systems with all mammals and are usually not conscious of their influence over our lives. Our higher minds moderate our emotions and do our logical thinking to fit a situation—unless our lower minds are activated so strongly that they take over. Our lower minds are particularly susceptible to dramatic stories; therefore, the bully’s story can carry a lot of weight without us even recognizing it.

2. Prepare for the power of the bully’s story: They speak in simple terms, use a lot of emotional words, and repeat their false statements a lot. This can trigger such fear and rage in their targets that they are immobilized and direct their anger at themselves. On the other hand, their stories can also impact decision-makers’ lower minds such that they become extremely angry with the target, who is totally shocked by this and further demoralized and immobilized. Be prepared for this, anticipating what will be said about you and what necessary information you need to provide. If you are the target for a bully, remind yourself regularly that the bully’s story is a fantasy and that the bully cannot define you.

3. Keep it Simple, Repetitive, Slightly Emotional, and True. It helps to communicate with others when there are false statements against you. Use simple, slightly emotional words, repeat a lot, and tell the truth. To accomplish this, I recommend finding three themes that express the three most important points that you want to make. In family cases, this might include “Undermining My Parenting” or “Making False Statements to Healthcare Providers.” In workplace situations, this might include “Repeatedly Disrupting My Work” or “Spreading False Rumors about Me.” These all include some emotional terms which help grab a decision-maker’s attention. They are also short, memorable phrases to repeat a lot.Long-winded writings or speeches are rarely absorbed by decision-makers, who usually have numerous cases to deal with so that nothing in particular sticks in their minds. High conflict people are good at grabbing attention with short, memorable phrases that are more like sound bites—which connect with our lower minds.

4. Tell Your Story. Don’t just defend against the bully’s story by pointing out each item that is not true. This just leaves the bully’s story intact, perhaps without as many details. Instead, as soon as possible, tell your true story of what has really occurred. Remind yourself of this so you do not absorb the bully’s story. For example: “The reason so-and-so is saying such-and-such is because he/she was angry with me for ending our relationship and wanted to punish me by bringing these false allegations….” When a decision-maker’s lower mind hears this he or she will automatically start considering which simple, emotional, repetitive story is more believable, testing the information provided by each party against what the other party is saying. Without your story being presented as a story, the decision-maker’s lower mind will assume the bully’s story is true and just focus on how bad it is and what to do about it.

Conclusion

In today’s world of many strangers, it’s hard to know who is acting badly, who is acting appropriately, and who is telling the truth. This has made it easier for adult bullies to make false statements that seem true to those around them, to decision-makers, and even to their targets. Adult bullies tend to manipulate people with their bully’s stories, which include a fantasy “crisis,” fantasy “villain” (or “crazy” person), and a fantasy “hero” (the bully).

Recognize the power of the bully’s story on our lower minds and how it can activate pure fear and rage against oneself as the target of the bully (“I’m so incompetent that I can’t make it without the bully”) or in others, such as a decision-maker in the family, the workplace, or a courtroom (“This person is so terrible, they must be evil and I must punish them”). Therefore, it’s important to communicate your story to yourself and to others, using simple, repetitive, and slightly emotional terms—that are also true.

References:

• Bill Eddy, Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them – How to Stop Them. (Boca Raton, FL: Health Communications Inc., 2024.)

• Jaak Panksepp and Lucy Biven, The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions (New York: W. W. Norton and Company, 2012).

• Jane Wright, “Bullying Claim Results in Significant Damages,” Work-dynamic Australia, accessed January 28, 2024, https://workdynamic.com.au/bullying-claim-results-in-significant-damages/.

• Katie Benner and Melena Ryzik, “FKA twigs Sues Shia LaBeouf, Citing ‘Relentless’ Abusive Relationship,” New York Times, January 22, 2021.

BILL EDDY, LCSW, Esq. is a family lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the Director of Innovation with the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He trains professionals worldwide about high conflict personalities and situations, presenting in over 35 states and 13 countries. He is the author of twenty books and manuals, including 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life; and Our New World of Adult Bullies. He writes a blog for PsychologyToday.com with over 6 million views. He is on the Advisory Board of the Divorce Coalition and co-host of the podcast, It’s All Your Fault! with Megan Hunter, MBA. His website is www.HighConflictInstitute.com.